What Would Comic Book Villains Do? (WWCBVD?) Week 7

After a hiatus that was far too lengthy I am proud to announce the return of What Would Comic Book Villains Do?  If you have missed the previous five installments of this popular series, be sure to click on the links below to see each one and discover what answers the ever-changing rogues gallery of bad guys.

This week is “Ladies Week” and features a variety of female super villains who’s voices have yet to be heard in this forum.  And with so many femme fatales joining the discussion what better choice of a question to pose than one put on the table by Mrs. JediCole.  So without further ado we will pose this week’s collection to these nefarious ladies.

Scenario:  You find a note from a friend of yours to her boyfriend, or so it seems at first.  You read further, curiosity getting the better of you it is soon revealed that she was in fact writing to someone else, and in very intimate and romantic terms.  Burdened with this knowledge and being friends with her boyfriend also, what do you do now?

Phobia: It’s funny.  This sounds amazingly like something that happened back in my early days with the Brotherhood of Evil.  We did a job with some of the Fearsome Five that autumn and it was disasterous!  Shimmer...don’t get me started on her…was dating some friend of her brother Mammoth.  Everyone knew she could not stand this guy but she stuck it out because it was her brother’s friend.  That big lummox may be able to mangle freight trains with his bare hands but he’s still such an adolescent!  Mind you, he’s a hunk!  But still…  Sorry, lost my train of thought there.  Mmmmm…hunk!  Anyway, along comes this guy, Bill I think it was who was just perfect for her.  He wasn’t even super-powered or anything, but those two were really meant for each other.  And what a looker!  Not like that jerk Mammoth had her hooked up with, a mud fence that one.  Sure he could leap sixty feet straight into the air, but how practical a power is that?  Little wonder she went for old Bob, now that I think if it his name was Bob. 

So anyway, one day Mammoth managed to figure out that his sister was seeing Bob and he went on a rampage!  He was so upset he nearly smashed his friend, who luckily leapt five yards out of the way so I guess it has its uses after all.  Warp wanted to send Mammoth to Antarctica to cool down, the Brain was out shopping with that gorilla of his, and Houngan, it turns out, had never thought to make a cyber-voodoo doll of Mammoth so it was left to me to set things straight.  I instilled an intense fear of his friend in Mammoth which had the further effect of elevating Bob or Bill or Bart whatever to ideal boyfriend for his sister status. 

So in a case like this I would just cut to the chase and drive one or both of them mad with fear and save everyone a lot of collateral damage.

Black Cat – I would have to have fun with this.  I am “catty” by nature, not to mention bad luck.  Okay, enough of the feline puns, that really is not my style anyway.  My agent said I should start playing up my name a bit more, but it’s just not me.  To put it in simple terms I would confront my friend about her infidelity.  Sure she would accuse me of being a terrible friend for having read her letter, but please!  She left the thing out there where anyone could see it, including her boyfriend.  And that man treats her like gold!  This is the thanks he gets for all of his years of dedication?!  It is such a slap in the face if you ask me!  Once she calms down and starts listening to reason I will help her see what a fool she has been and how she really needs to stick with the man that loves her without question.  I would promise never to say a thing to her boyfriend on the condition she cuts things off with the other guy.  I would even offer to help her out by dating this other guy on the rebound.  That way her boyfriend would have not idea she was seeing this other guy now that he’s mine.  After all, that’s why I broke into her house in the first place, on the off chance I could find some incriminating evidence to plain sight to orchestrate the stealing of her illicit boyfriend for myself!  This is just the sort of thing that happens when I cross your path!

Nah, that stuff still doesn’t work for me.

Harley Quinn – Well that is a tough one.  I mean it would depend on which of my friends you were talking about.  If it was…  Wait a minute!  Is this one of those things my therapists and Arkham used to talk about where you substitute hypothetical people for real people?  That would mean you are really talking about me and the Joker, right?  Is it true?!  Is Mr. J seeing someone else behind my back?!  He promised he’d kill me, or at least gas me, before he’d ever have another love!  Why?  WHY?!  MR. J,WHYYYYYYYY?!

Destiny – While I find it funny you should see fit to ask me any such questions for this series, I have to admit I already knew you would, when, and exactly which question.  Perhaps that will help illustrate that I would already know about the note long before it is even written, have visualized the possible outcome of any given course of action, and simply resigned myself to let things take whatever course they might without any interference on my part.  Okay, you drug it out of me!  I can’t predict the future as well as I used to.  Not after that damned Kitty Pryde phased through me when I was trying to advance the cause of Mutantkind by killing off Senator Robert Kelly.  Ever since then my precognitions, like my aim with the crossbow that fateful day, have been just slightly off the mark.  Can you believe the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants had the audacity to put me on notice!  Some brotherhood I tell you!  I would predict nothing but misery in their future…if I could count on the visions at full. 

Maybe it is just time to retire from all of this. 

Granny Goodness – Darkseid told Granny that you would probably be bugging Granny at some point with inane questions that are so far below the masters of Apokolips as to be unnoticeable.  But to Granny’s surprise, Granny must admit, your choice of query intrigues Granny!  What exactly would your good Granny do when confronted with such shenanigans?   Hmmm, Granny must ponder this a moment!  Moment passed!  First Granny would dispatch one of Granny’s Female Furies, probably Stompa or Mad Harriet, to round up all three of the participants in this little drama and bring them to Granny at Granny’s Orphanage.  Granny would then pit both males in mortal combat against Parademons with the winner gaining the hand of the female.  Should both perish, as undoubtedly would be the outcome, then  Granny would gain a new trainee for her Female Furies as their numbers have become a bit thin of late.

Scorpia – I know as a super-villain I should really have some kind of twisted opinion on all of this, I really should.  The thing is I just tend to steer clear of people’s personal lives.  I mean, how would I feel if some well-meaning “friend” was snooping around in my business?  For all I know that note could be really old or maybe part of a novel she’s writing.  You would really be surprised how respectful of privacy the villains I’ve worked with in the past are.  Especially Vulture!  When he’s not trying to kill Spider-Man, he’s an absolute gentleman!

Harley Quinn – Why Mr. J?!  Why did you do it?!!  Bwaaaahhhaaaaaaaaaa!

JediCole's Morning After - An All-Con 2012 Uncut Recording

With All-Con 2012 behind me and 2013 already in the works I am pleased to be able to share a small piece of this year's experience with those who follow my website and could not be there in person.

As mentioned in the following audio, JediCole's Morning After is a talk show that began a few years ago in an effort to bring some family friendly content to Sunday mornings at the convention.  The tradition has continued year after year and thanks to Rick from The United States of Geekdom an actual full-length recording of this show has been preserved.  While some of the show was visiual in nature, most of it translates well to just audio.  I decided to publish the show uncut, just as it was recorded to preserve the feeling of actually being there that Sunday morning as little by little an audience drug in to enjoy the show despite a long night on the part of many of those who joined us.

One part of the show is a live reading of my recurring JediCole Universe feature What Would Comic Book Villains Do?, so be sure to check out the first installment here if you'd like to see the images that were shown during the show.  Otherwise enjoy a little slice of All-Con 2012.

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Half-Ass Roundtable III - Reports of Its Demise Were Exaggerated

Now at last we have a new episode of one of the most challenging podcasting experiences I have enjoyed to date.  In this episode Andrew, Stu, and myself not only tackle a topic in 30 minutes with no preparation or clue as to the topic, we are joined by the incomparable Hunter Dusing of the Midnight Movie Cowboys!  Does Hollywood hurt?  Click on the icon below for some Half-Ass fun!

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JediCole's All-Con 2012 Pre-Show Coverage Begins!

Greetings everyone!  As promised the content on this site has begun anew and to start with some early news on All-Con 2012.

If you know me from my podcasting history with VaderCast, Amazing Comicast, and (these days) the United States of Geekdom then you are aware of my long involvment with this convention.  If not, I will spare you the long version and simply say that as the eighth year of All-Con rapidly approaches, so does my eighth year of being a part of the show in one capacity or another.  If you are unfamiliar with All-Con, here are some important details:

All-Con 2012
March 16-18, 2012
Crowne Plaza North Dallas (Addison, TX)
Three Day Memberships (Tickets) - $40.00 + $1.99 handling at the All-Con website through 3/14/12
     (Memebership are good for all three days and allow access to all events and progamming!)
Theme for 2012: The End of the World
Over 200 panels, game shows, workshops, screenings, and other events all three days! 

As the Group Captain (Department Head) of the Games and Theory Department (game shows track) I will be bringing a variety of fun and exciting game shows to All-Con.  Also, jedicole.com and Half-Ass productions are presenting other panels that have been All-Con favorites.  Even more programming (a game show and podcast recordings) is being offered by the folks at my other online home, the United States of Geekdom.  And finally on the game show front, the Anime Track is offering a few of their own.

Look for coverage of all game show offerings as well as specifics on many of the other attractions at All-Con at which you can find me or my co-hosts from the USG in the coming weeks. 

What will you do at All-Con 2012?  Stay tuned and I'll make a few suggestions!

An Open Letter from JediCole

Hello to all who have been following this website as well as to all who are just discovering it for the first time.  In the last few months I have neglected jedicole.com, much to my combined chagrin and shame.  This site is very important to me on a personal level and it bothers me greatly that I have been away from it for far too long. 

The purpose of this letter is not to lament the past so much as present the future.  I am back in the saddle as it were and ready to keep this site fresh and lively once again with new podcasts, new features, and new incarnations of recurring favorites.  In addition to the latest episode of Super Geek-Out (which arrived in January) and the upcoming posting of the latest Half-Ass Roundtable just this week,  there are more new and recurring features on the way. 

Look for the return of What Would Comic Book Villains Do? and Odd eBay along with a new feature, It Came From the Dollar Store!  2012 will see the long-awaited return of both Who Do You Love? and JediCole’s Open Mic Night.  Also joining the JediCole Podcasting Network’s lineup will be Andrew Farmer’s Hey Kids, Comics! and my new magazine show, Fandom at Random.   Be on the lookout for these and other new shows as I move forward to make The JediCole Universe an even better website than it has been thus far.

And this is where you come in!  I am in need for guests for Half-Ass Roundtable, guest suggestions for Open Mic Night, feature stories for Fandom at Random, and more.  Watch this site for more details or just write to me at jedicole@yahoo.com for more details.  I want YOU to be a part of the show!

Thank you,

Cole “JediCole” Houston

Arlington, TX

Super Geek-Out #3: Christmas in January

Wow!  Is it Super Geek-Out time again already?  Yes, but mainly because we recorded a show that had a decidedly Christmas theme that we wanted to get out as close to the holidays as possible.  January 2012 turned out to be as close to the holidays as we could manage, so there it is.

In this episode we geek-out on some favorite things, goof off, and eventually manage to talk about our own ideal Christmas specials.  And believe me we had some great ideas! 

Content Warning: As with most of the podcasts on the JediCole Podcasting Network feed, this show has some "naughty words" and subject matter that might not fall on tender ears that favorably.  But I would far rather let the folks on this show have free reign (in most cases) than dilute the content by forcing everyone to "play nice".  So that said, enjoy the show!

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A special and heart-felt thank you to Stuart Baulk of the Midnight Movie Cowboys who makes us all sound better than we did on the raw recording, takes the time to edit most of my shows, and adds some really great stuff to the mix in the process.  Cheers, mate!

Odd eBay #2:Die Odder

Greetings everyone!  It has been a while, far too long in fact, but I have returned with more of the unusual, the goofy, and the downright bizarre from the world of eBay!  When you peruse the world's largest auction website you are bound to find some really unusual things.  And so once again I bring you a fresh batch of just such curiosities. 

Starting with this installment, all auctions currently running as of press time will have titles in green while those that are closed but can still be viewed for now are in red.

Exhibit A: Future Writer of Slash Fiction
How much would you pay for a pair of underpants?  Andrew Christian trunks command as much as $27 a pair, so by comparison the $44.99 opening bid price for both underwear and a shirt is a bargain!  Especially considering the vintage of these particular undergarments.  And their pedigree.  We are talking Star Trek The Motion Picture here! 

Okay, so that was not the best outing for the Enterprise crew and the costumes were a bit understated and overly "fashion of the future".  Especially that one poor fellow who had to wear the Starfleet regulation short skirt thing.  What the Hell was that all about?!  Even the melty-faced aliens got to wear long pants after all!  But then perhaps that was the inspiration for this set of awkwardly named "Fundy Undies" from the late 70s.  They certainly put you in the mind of that hapless crewman in his go-go dress.  And while I do not wish to cast aspersions, there seems to be an frightening undertone to the overall design of the packaging.  From the playful rainbow motif to the upper right to the lustful gaze that the boy in the illustration has longingly set upon Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock.  One can only imagine what stories of interstellar adventures and late night explorations the vivid imagination of this gazelle-legged youngster is conjuring.

Undobutedly the garment manufacturer who marketed Fundy Undies was trying to tap into the lucritive Underoos market.  While the latter brand enjoyed success with licensed underwear ensambles well into the 80s (we can only lament that the line ended before they could market the planned Jabba the Hutt style for huskier kids), this particular variety fell into relative obscurity.  With a name that sounds like something you would find in a Victoria's Secret catalog and graphics that would give parents pause and children life-long trauma, it is likely that any Fundy Undies purchased during their unsucessful release were returned to retail stores as soon after being presented to horrified children as was humanly possible.

I applaud this and other eBay sellers for giving Fundy Undies at least a chance at collectibles viability.


Exhibit B: My, But You Are Wearing a Lot of Rings!
There was a time in this country when there was no internet.  Yes, I know it is hard for you kids to believe, but it is true.  In fact this country has been around a whole Hell of a lot longer than the internet.  But that is not what is at issue here.  In the days before information on nearly everything imaginable was but a few keystrokes away, people had to rely on other resources to get timely information.  And so it was that in those ghastly days before the Information Super Highway was virtually constructed an abundance of magazines on nearly every subject imaginable littered the newsstands of America.  It was in these halcion days that the market was ripe to support a periodical on the subject of Muppets.  Yes, it is true, the Muppets once had their own quarterly magazine!  Take that Dog Fancy!

What strikes me about this particular issue of Muppet Magazine (Fall 1984) is the cover image.  Naturally the seller of this auction (which sold for $12.75, more than 6.5 times its original cover price) only shows the cover to illustrate the listing, so one can impart a few of the featured stories and determine if it is a nice fit for their collection.  Mr. T, who's star was rising back in 1984, took the cover honors for this issue, but one would expect no less.  Even I would pitty the foolish editor who would not grace the cover of Muppet Magazine with the stern visage of one Laurence Tureaud!  That Mr. T is on the cover and with Electric Mayhem drummer Animal immitating his neclace laden, mohawk sporting style do not so much as raise an eyebrow.  That the breakaway star of The A-Team donned a smart looking sweater for his photo shoot does not leave one thinking that this magazine's cover qualifies for Odd eBay.  No, it is not something so overt as that, or indeed even that parody recording artist Weird Al takes second billing as a cover story (but he is in good company with Gonzo on that score, however).  The curiosity here arises in the looks on Animal and Kermit's faces coupled with the fact that you do not see where Mr. T's hands are situated in the cover photo.

These are, at the end of the day, puppets.  Granted some of the most famous puppets in the world.  Kukla, Topo Gigio, and Lambchop only dreampt of this level of handpuppet stardom.  But puppets none the less.  So it is an easy leap of logic to imagine that, in order to save time and money during the photo shoot, Mr. T took on the role of puppeteer as well as model.  This hypothosis is supported by the obvious discomfort writ upon Kermit's felt face and the peculiar and unreadable emotions that Animal displays.  As for the feature celebrity of this particular issue of the magazine, the whole experience seems to be just a little off-putting.  But being the unflappable tough guy that he is, Mr. T carries it well, barely imparting his discomfort.

Exhibit C: How Could This Not Garner $5?!
Every once in a great while an eBay auction comes along that has what can only be described as "universal appeal".  Some sellers just have a knack for putting out auctions that are garunteed sellers.  And given the nature of this particular auction it is rather shocking that the $4.95 opening bid was not achieved, not to mention the kind of bidding war it should have enjoyed!  The Muppet Magazine backissue went for nearly $13 after all!  Just look at the image below and behold what could have been yours had you been able to bid while this auction was still active! 

While it is sad that the 3.5" square photo (the back of which forever commemorates Fox Photo, a company name that has not been known to consumers in a decade) did not sell I prefer to imagine that this was due to the Christmas holidays consuming much of would-be bidders' time and resources.  It is not that this photo is unsellable, it is that the auction was simply poorly timed.  This is the season of giving after all.  It woudl be downright selfish to spend even a scant fiver on a stunning vintage photograph of an unknown actor in an unknown role of an unknown production of a bygone era.  Downright selfish I tell you!

Honestly, who could possibly resist the siren's call of a listing that read, "1970s PHOTO! Shirtless  Actor Man GREEN MAKEUP FACE & DINOSAUR NOSE! Funny!"?  I sincerely hope this gets relisted in January. 

Exhibit D: Look!  Up In the Sky!  WTF?!
At first glance this figurine from Mexico gives the impression that an Olympic swimmer mistook a vat of blue paint for a training pool, much to his chagrin.  Luckily the auction title and description come to our rescue and assure us that instead this is an unlicensed knock-off toy of the Man of Steel.  Superman has seen better days to be sure.  Even Doomsday did not do as much damage to the Last Son of Krypton as this vintage toy does to his reputation in the super hero community if not to his physical self.  It must be assumed that some kind of cloth cape, which would have served to make identification far simpler was long ago lost in the history of this particular specimen.

While the trademark red trunks and yellow belt do help sell the concept that this was meant to be Superman, the lack of so much as a hint that his familiar chest symbol ever adorned this plastic figure suggests that some form of packaging had to have been used to make it at least somewhat appealing to potential buyers.  But then it is not uncommon to find poorly realized toys that fly in the face of copyright law in various countries around the world.  The poor quality of the figure is only exaggerated by the poor quality of the seller's description.  At first described as "measured 6.00 inches" (tall), it is almost immediately called "4.00 inches".  Furthermore there are conflicting reports on the subject of articulation.  The photo suggests there is no articulation yet it is described both with and without such a feature.  Finally, the descriptions "based on the Superman films of 1978 by Christopher Reeve" and "has detail paint" add further to the questionable nature of such a collectible. 

The most curious aspect of this figure, however, have to be the outstretched hands.  While undoubtedly meant to invoke a sense of Supes about to take flight, closer inspection reveals a hole in each palm.  Was this once some kind of parachuting figure with some kind of eye hooks set into the hands for the parachute strings?  Or were these holes the product of a child who had no respect for his toys?  Either way one is left with the impresesion of Superman sporting stigmata.  Not something you really want to think about too much if at all.  But then that may be why the seller declares that this figure "is unique to the ebay community"!

Exhibit E: It's All in the Name!
Marketing is an all important part of any money making endeavor.  No matter how small.  And one of the prevailing tenets of marketing is to have a name that is pleasing to see and hear to identify the product you are bringing to market.  While fanzines, or 'zines, exist on the fringes of periodicals publication, their producers undoubtedly would still like to take in a few bucks on their sale to help insure the next issue will see the light of day.  Most fanzines tend to be based on science fiction properties, however the Diff'rent Strokes genere is up and coming these days.  Some of the earliest fanzines I had ever seen were Star Trek based so it stands to reason that Star Wars would inspire much the same venues for aspiring writers and artists to espouse their love of the Saga.

There are some fairly clever titles for these ongoing fan endeavors like Who's Scruffy Lookin'? or Bright Center of the Universe.  Others choose to take thier own path and create original titles that invoke the Star Wars univerese but are not derived from actual movie lines.  Some of the better examples include Far Realms, Bloodstripe, Imperium, and Never Say Die.  But for every Kessel Run or Skywalker you get a few titles that illustrate a profound lack of forethought when it came to coming up with an appealing title.  From the Dark Side of fanzine names I give you...

That a fanzine with the awkward title of I Don't Care What You Smell could last at least eleven issues is certainly something to applaud.  Perhaps the creator of this periodcal took the same approach as Leonard Nimoy back in 1975.  When his publisher initially rejected the title of his autobiography I Am Not Spock due to the notion that people do not buy books with negative titles, Nimoy simply said, "What about Gone With the Wind?"  Needless to say, his original title was maintained as a result of that conversation.  The nice thing about self-publishing is that you don't have to justify anything to anyone.  Not even yourself.

According to the description of this auction this is a massive 283 page photocopied GBC bound collection of "Star Wars stories by fans, for fans".  Fifteen such stories are included from a variety of authors with illustrations by no less than eight artists!  The $10 opening bid seems a bargain for that volume of fan produced work.  Especially given that this tome is five years old.  All of that is indeed quite compelling, however this fanzine suffers still from that title.  Add to that the choice of cover art and I Don't Care What You Smell #11 is even a little less appealing.  Perhaps this is just an invitation for fans to conjure up their own fiction using the cover illustration and title as a template.  Consider this a kind of impromptu Cosmopolitan quiz, "Just How Dirty is Your Mind?"  The answer can be found in the story you create from looking at this eBay offering.

But hey!  A least it is not the winner of the Worst Star Wars Fanzine Title Ever award.  No, that honor goes solely to Wookie Commode!