The Apocrypha #6 – The Grundy/Bizarro Letters

By Uatu the Watcher

Visiting Professor Emeritus to DCUU

In 1978, at the bequest of criminal mastermind Lex Luthor and fashion-senseless android super-computer Brainiac, the Legion of Doom was formed as a villainous counterpoint to the Super Friends.  Charter members of this most blatant of organized crime cooperatives included arch nemeses of the Super Friends team, villains with comparable powers to the heroes, and a few purely sympathetic choices.  From powerhouses of like Sinestro to inexplicably successful criminals like Toyman, the Legion’s roster was all over the map.  Within this unlikely mix were two villains who had never previously worked together but instantly found a common bond with their pasty complexions and poor grammar – Bizarro and Solomon Grundy.

The monstrous Grundy gravitated instantly to the angularly chiseled Bizarro at the first meeting of the newly formed Legion.  Headquartered in swampland purchased by Grundy after a particularly successful crime spree, the retrofitted flying saucer that Brainiac had lying around his workshop would prove to be more than a meeting place of the malevolent and repetitive establishing shots.  It would serve as the catalyst for an enduring friendship.  However, this did not mean that said friendship was not without its drama.  The Justice League recently declassified a variety of documents which included the documents confiscated from many super-villains.  Pre-production researchers for documentary filmmaker Ken Burns’ upcoming exploration of the Super Friends, “Super”, uncovered and reconstructed correspondence between Solomon Grundy and Bizarro that was found among the captured papers.

Florentine Films have graciously shared these documents with The Apocrypha which are reprinted here for the enjoyment and edification of our readers.  For the purpose of clarity, these letters, written between November 1978 and August 1979, are printed with Grundy’s letters in green and Bizarro’s in red.

Biz,

I hope it okay I call you Biz… 

Grundy happy to meet you at anti-Super-Friends meeting.  Shock of mistaking you for Superman wore off soon and Grundy feel safer to talk to you.  There not things in common with other villains in group.  Bizarro funny, like backward Superman.  No laughs for Grundy in long time. 

See you at next villain meeting.  If ever in swamp, look Grundy up.  Old shed by tree in front of bubbling geyser.

G

Grundy,

I do not remember you at all.  I hated meeting you with your face that reminded me nothing of my own.  You seem like someone I could really be enemies with in a small way.  I really found it uninteresting the way you speak with such perfect grammar and diction

I would hate to visit your swamp home.  I have always hated such places and yours sounds like the worst.  You are the most boring hero I have ever met!

Hope to never see you at a meeting,

Bizarro

P.S. Don’t ever call me Biz.

Bizarro,

Sorry to offend.  Took big liberty calling you Biz.  Grundy confused by your letter.  Realize my command of language limited, but striving for improvement through tutoring and daily language exercises.  Most of time Grundy lapses back to bad use of English. 

Still thrown by your letter.  Seemed like Bizarro and Grundy make good friends, maybe team up in future to destroy Green Lantern and Superman.  Outcasts need stick together.  Obvious Luthor only invite us to Doom Legion for being strong.  Grundy not one to give up easy, just ask Green Lantern.  Any of them.  Or Justice Society.  Or guy that used to live in shed in swamp.  But Grundy digress.  Giving friendship second chance, does Bizarro want same?

G

Grundy,

Now I understand you completely, without question.  Last time you call me Biz, which clearly is not okay as was not said in my letter.  Then you further enlighten me with your eloquence and clarity in your reply.  I can tell exactly where you got the ideas you speak of in your missive.

Now that I have been able to make perfect sense of your words I want even less to do with you than ever.  You could well be the worst possible enemy for me.  The kind of enemy I would not have spent my life hoping not to find.  Difficultly put, I hate you already. 

Don’t write back ever,

Biz

See what I didn't do there?

Bizarro,

If Grundy had patience it would be pushed to breaking point.  At last Legion meeting you hung around and joked and talked like old friend.  But letter say you want nothing to do with Grundy.  Confusion is order of day here.

It is difficult enough to be Grundy and have almost no friend.  Bizarro says one thing, means another.  If feelings were something Grundy had at disposal they would be hurt.  If friends then friends, if just working together to smash Super Friends that just as good.  Some of Legion don’t like Grundy and feeling is mutual.  Can’t understand why guys think Giganta hot.  Kind of plain to Grundy’s eyes.  And unnerving when growing big like Super Friend Chief.  Grundy never get used to that.  Is against nature!

Grundy is nothing if not patient.  Hard to believe given Grundy’s penchant for flying into fits of uncontrolled rage and decidedly out-of-character moments of clarity and eloquence, especially when penning correspondence like this particular specimen.  So, before this latest such incarnation should fade, I wish to extend another opportunity to reconcile the dichotomy of your past writings which stand in stark contrast to your recent behavior in person.  To that end Grundy not know what Grundy just wrote.  Must end writing now.  Hear old foe Green Lantern flying over swamp.  Want to throw dead trees at him and yell.

Sincerely,

Solomon Aloysius Grundy

Gentleman of the Bayou

Again, Grundy not understand words clearly written by Grundy himself!

Grundy,

Just how smart are you?  How often do I need to difficultly write nothing before you understand how little I care about you.  I have never wanted an enemy like you in my entire existence.  I tried ignoring you at the meetings and that helped.  Or so I didn't think.  Then the postman did not leave your latest letter and I see that I made my point well.

This back and forth is so very welcome.  There are simply words for how certain everything is to me when you write.  I understand what is right with you, that much is uncertain.  I disagree with your desire to attempt to build the enmity between us, I really don’t care.

I will be avoiding you at every opportunity and you shouldn't do likewise.  Enemies is what we are, enemies and less.

With a lack of sincerity,

Bizarro

Editors Note:  It is at this point that a gap of one and a half months occurred in the flow of Bizarro and Grundy’s ongoing correspondence.  Originally this was taken to be the result of some of the original letters being lost or simply not in the possession of either super-villain when they were incarcerated.  The Florentine Films researchers, however, found through meticulous inquiry that the pause in communication between the two occurred during a time that Bizarro was frozen into the side of a glacier near the Fortress of Solitude and Grundy was languishing in an inert state between physical destruction and inevitable regeneration.  The letters resume briefly when each was again back in action.

Grundy,

I know it has been a short time since I didn't write.  I wasn't frozen in ice during the summer and thawed free just this winter.  Superman needs to keep his headquarters where it is so I don’t ever freeze my ass off when leaving him alone!

Now that I am my new frozen self, I don’t want to reestablish contact.  I don’t care what you have been up to.  I don’t ever want to see you or hear your name unspoken.

Enemies never,

Bizarro

Bizarro,

I must admit that I too have been grossly indisposed for some considerable period of time.  Green Lantern, bemused by my use of decayed foliage as missiles some time ago, saw fit to scoop me up within an energy sphere and transfer me into the custody of one of the prisons suited to those with powers beyond those of mortal men like myself.  During this latest period of incarceration I feigned interest in rehabilitation so effectively that scrutiny of my person by my jailers lapsed and I was able to formulate a plan to reestablish my liberty and return to my swamp and service within  the Legion of Doom.

While this imprisonment did afford me the opportunity to enroll in speech and diction classes at the State’s expense, to great personal gain I might add, my focus never strayed from my intense desire to escape those who would hold me in their sway.  Alas, my bid for freedom was cut short by a laser cannon array installed by the prison after such time as the schematics I had been utilizing to plan my escape were drawn up, and I, yet again, found myself dead in action.

While I have made my standard return to the realm of the living and journeyed back to the swamps, I have suffered a crushing disappointment in discovering that the old headquarters has been abandoned and that the Super Friends are now known as the Super Powers and are concentrating on staving off advancements toward Earth by the forces of Darkseid.  This not withstanding, you should know that I stumbled on a dossier that Lex had compiled about you that was most enlightening.  I have been able to make sense of your seemingly random missives and realized that your disdain was in fact respect, your hatred love, and any expressed desire to see me, as you once put it at a meeting, “pulped and ground into a fine white paste” to in fact be your hope that I was in good health.

With this new found understanding of your unique approach to self-expression I sincerely believe that we shall be the best of friends.  Or perhaps I should say, the worst of enemies.  To this end I suggest we make team to fight all heroes that are found.  It seem Grundy, lacking constant reinforcement of grammar stuff from jail school now lapsing back into my Neanderthal-like means of talk.

Grundy want to meet soon to plan on smashing ex-Super Friends!

G

Grundy

I hated to hear that you had lived only to wind up dead again.  It is terrible to have you around.  I don’t look forward to seeing you now that the Legion of Doom headquarters is open.  That was good news and most expected.  I know exactly what I will do from now on! 

I don’t like your stupid idea for parting company so we can show the Super Friends how much we love them.  Without you in my corner I can have the hardest time helping my friends that I want to see alive and well.  I would hate it if Batman were safely away from my clutches and without your help it is uncertain I will fail.  Batman is the strongest and most dangerous to me, so he must be the last on my list.

Don’t look for me in your swamp lair next week.  I have no plans to build the old headquarters now that it is fully occupied.  It makes me so happy that the rest of the Doomers told us all about the plans to move in to the headquarters.  It makes me want to fix up the place in the best way!  I hope you won’t join me in the construction I don’t have planned.

Bizarro

Bizarro,

Trashing the old HQ really helped put Grundy back on the top of game.  Next day fight with Wonder Woman and that stupid purple monkey saw Grundy nearly winner.  Was still on high from smashing up Luthor’s precious laboratory and Brainiac’s favorite computer.  Why he call computer “son”, have no idea.  Stupid Christmas-light head green man!  He think smart, Grundy think dumb to leave big headquarters behind in swamp.  Left note that say, “We destroy your Doom house! – Super Friends”.  That make Luthor real mad Grundy bet!

Grundy realize we forgot discuss team-up to kill Super Friends.  Will visit your Plaza of Cacophony in desert soon.  We make that Legion of Grundy and Bizarro base and start hunting down Super Friends starting with Batman as Bizarro suggest in last letter.

Grundy

Dearest Mr. Grundy,

Enclosed please find a map to my Plaza of Cacophony.  Your concept of using my sanctum sanctorum as a headquarters from which to launch strikes at our enemies was nothing short of brilliant.  I look forward to beginning a fruitful partnership that will see us at last revenged upon those who have wronged us for so very long.

(Editor’s note:  the above was type written with Bizarro’s handwriting following.  The reason for the abrupt change in both grammar and syntax and the nature of committing the thoughts to paper is made clear by the first handwritten sentence.)

I had to start the secretary I kidnapped from not writing more.  The less she wrote the less confused I got at how perfectly she took my dictation.  I can wait for you to get here and not plan for anything we don’t want to do to our best friends.  They will be thrilled when we come to make them not pay.  There will be so much to forget!

Don’t ever come here,

Bizarro

And thus ended the correspondence between these two villainous powerhouses.  As planned, Bizarro and Grundy pooled their resources and enjoyed some early victories in their campaign to destroy the super-heroes who had prevented their past schemes from being successful.  Quite full of themselves, the pair soon began to take credit for the conquests of other villains.  Despite being nowhere near the locales of major events in super-heroics, Bizarro vehemently claimed (or in his case quietly denied) having beaten Superman to death in (1992) and similarly Grundy was known to insinuate that he was Bane and subsequently the author of Batman’s crippling spinal injury (c. 1993). 

Other outrageous claims included Grundy’s assertion that he had bitten off Aquaman’s right hand and Bizarro’s insistence that he had discovered the Anti-Life Equation, though he flatly ignored a summons to Apokolips to present his findings to Darkseid.  Ultimately the two found themselves ostracized by the criminal fraternity and seemed destined to obscurity when the Infinite Crisis struck and they retroactively found themselves comfortably reestablished in the “New 52” universe.

"Invent me some waterproof paper and I'll be happy to write!"