After a long hiatus, one of the most popular recurring features of this site is back!
Join us as we delve into the darkest pits of worst that humanity has to offer. The super-villain is not only the counterpoint to the super-hero, but a broken reflection on all that we are as a society. The most vile and terrible criminals and maniacs of all time have been gathered and a few of their number selected to answer a moral question in their own unique way!
Scenario: The day started out very hot and you drank a lot of ice water before departing on a stroll in the park. Along the way you twice stopped at hot dog carts or other vendors to purchase a large bottle of cold water. Now you find yourself on the far end of the Bike & Hike trail, the meandering stretch that is the furthest from any public restrooms in either direction. It is inevitable that nature calls at this very moment. Confronted with an agonizing walk to get relief, what do you do?
Zebra-Man: I may look like a wild animal, and I may have a reputation as something of a wild man – especially when I’m drunk, but I am not some kind of uncouth savage! Sure I’ve fought Batman! Sure I’ve committed terrible crimes! Sure I’ve spent time in Arkham Asylum! But that doesn’t mean I’m not human!
I would do what any smart guy would do in this situation of course. I’d wander off the trail and into the most secluded wooded area I can find an relieve myself there. I mean seriously! Do you know the penalties they level against people for public urination in this town? I’m not taking any chances! I’m a human being after all!
Vermin: It is obvious you people do no research for this segment. I live in a SEWER! Do you think I really care about the whens and wheres when the old bladder needs some relief? Didn't I tell you last time that you needed to fire whoever puts your candidate list together?
Super-villains are a nasty lot and I’m the nastiest of them all! I actually pride myself on that. Besides, I can’t let normal biological functions slow me down when killing Spider-Man is on the agenda! And no, I am not going to do that exaggerated Spider-Man growl this time. I am so over that. I still want him dead, I'm just not going to get all up in that about it.
Cheetah: Unlike the boys in this survey, I am possessed of certain feminine refinements that define my behavior in such situations. I was raised to be a lady, albeit a lady that grew up to be a career criminal. None the less there are certain lines one must never cross, regardless of their level of evil. Etiquette is certainly one of these. One must simply put on a brave face, practice grace and poise, and make their way in a lady-like fashion to the nearest lavatory.
Of course in my case I can make that happen in a split second, but that really should not undermine the core point here.
Dragon Man: As an android I am constantly baffled by the minutia of the lives of biological creatures. Waste evacuation is not outside the realm of my mechanisms, but the process is so alien to that which dictates the lives of you flesh-things as to offer no true analogue in the context of the query at hand.
Furthermore my logic circuits are taxed by the suggestion that an entity like myself, imbued as I am with the power of unassisted flight, should elect to subject oneself to the terrestrial drudgery that is the fate of the pedestrian. While I am no stranger to ambulation of this type, were I to find myself confronted with circumstances that put me a great and less-than-linear distance from my goal, I see no reason not to avail myself of the more worthwhile use of my wings over that of my legs.
If a man-made villain could be allowed to make a suggestion, one that has no doubt been proffered by others, this particular column would benefit greatly by employing a researcher or a full staff thereof. Such assistance would greatly improve the odds that the selection of participants more accurately matches the scenario presented to those providing their personal answers. But what do I know? I’m just a dumb fire-breathing robot!
Tapeworm: You know what? That is about the smartest thing anyone has ever asked me in all my time as a villain! No, really. I am not being sarcastic or anything. I really wish someone had posed this question to me years ago. And I’ll tell you why…
This exo-tail suit thing (I really never came up with a technical term for it, sorry) is a marvel of technology. It is chock full of gyroscopic sensors and auto-correcting mechanisms that turn an otherwise unwieldy length of servomechanisms, solenoids, wires, pistons, nested gears, circuits, and bushings into a marvel of controlled momentum. When I don my Tapeworm suit I transform from an awkward and uncoordinated loser into a combination of a titanic powerhouse and the most nimble ballet phenom! Yet amid that perfection there is an inevitable flaw.
You know how that port on the Death Star undermined the integrity of the whole shooting match in Star Wars? Little flaws can make a big difference. In my case the Law of Unintended Consequences comes into play in that I never thought to work out an internal means for relieving myself. While this suit is a pinnacle of modern mechanical engineering, it is not a simple thing to extract oneself from at the end of the day, much less in cases need like this one.
I really should research what NASA builds into their space suits. I bet our astronauts don’t take a hiatus from eating and drinking for half a day or more before they don their spacesuits! I kid you not, the worst part about putting this bad boy on for a day of robbing banks and fending off crime-fighters is having to avoid food and drink for around 24 hours like I have bloodwork in the morning or something! I don’t think I’d fare very well in the situation you describe if I was off my traditional regimen for suiting up as Tapeworm, let’s just leave it at that.
Black Talon: You dare?! Have you no idea whom you address?! It is I, Black Talon! He who has awakened the dead to walk upon the Earth anew! He who has mesmerized chieftains, kings, and CEOs! He whom the very Abyss does fear! He who is so secure in himself that dares to go about proudly in public in a ridiculous chicken costume! I am BLACK TALON! Fear me, o mortal!
But since you asked nicely and all, I’d just drop trou and whiz off the edge of the path. It’s good for the flowers, right?