After a long hiatus, one of the most popular recurring features of this site is back!
Join us as we delve into the darkest pits of worst that humanity has to offer. The super-villain is not only the counterpoint to the super-hero, but a broken reflection on all that we are as a society. The most vile and terrible criminals and maniacs of all time have been gathered and a few of their number selected to answer a moral question in their own unique way!
Scenario: The day started out very hot and you drank a
lot of ice water before departing on a stroll in the park. Along the way you twice stopped at hot dog
carts or other vendors to purchase a large bottle of cold water. Now you find yourself on the far end of the
Bike & Hike trail, the meandering stretch that is the furthest from any
public restrooms in either direction. It
is inevitable that nature calls at this very moment. Confronted with an agonizing walk to get relief,
what do you do?
Zebra-Man: I may look like a wild animal, and I may have
a reputation as something of a wild man – especially when I’m drunk, but I am
not some kind of uncouth savage! Sure
I’ve fought Batman! Sure I’ve committed
terrible crimes! Sure I’ve spent time in
Arkham Asylum! But that doesn’t mean I’m
not human!
I would do what any smart guy would do in this situation of
course. I’d wander off the trail and
into the most secluded wooded area I can find an relieve myself there. I mean seriously! Do you know the penalties they level against
people for public urination in this town?
I’m not taking any chances! I’m a
human being after all!
Vermin: It is obvious you people do no research for
this segment. I live in a SEWER! Do you think I really care about the whens
and wheres when the old bladder needs
some relief? Didn't I tell you last time that you needed to fire whoever puts your candidate list together?
Super-villains are a nasty
lot and I’m the nastiest of them all! I
actually pride myself on that. Besides,
I can’t let normal biological functions slow me down when killing Spider-Man is
on the agenda! And no, I am not going to do that exaggerated Spider-Man growl this time. I am so over that. I still want him dead, I'm just not going to get all up in that about it.
Cheetah: Unlike the boys in this survey, I am
possessed of certain feminine refinements that define my behavior in such
situations. I was raised to be a lady,
albeit a lady that grew up to be a career criminal. None the less there are certain lines one
must never cross, regardless of their level of evil. Etiquette is certainly one of these. One must simply put on a brave face, practice
grace and poise, and make their way in a lady-like fashion to the nearest
lavatory.
Of course in my case I can make that happen in a split
second, but that really should not undermine the core point here.
Dragon Man: As an android I am constantly baffled by the
minutia of the lives of biological creatures.
Waste evacuation is not outside the realm of my mechanisms, but the
process is so alien to that which dictates the lives of you flesh-things as to
offer no true analogue in the context of the query at hand.
Furthermore my logic circuits are taxed by the suggestion
that an entity like myself, imbued as I am with the power of unassisted flight,
should elect to subject oneself to the terrestrial drudgery that is the fate of
the pedestrian. While I am no stranger
to ambulation of this type, were I to find myself confronted with circumstances
that put me a great and less-than-linear distance from my goal, I see no reason
not to avail myself of the more worthwhile use of my wings over that of my
legs.
If a man-made villain could be allowed to make a suggestion,
one that has no doubt been proffered by others, this particular column would
benefit greatly by employing a researcher or a full staff thereof. Such assistance would greatly improve the
odds that the selection of participants more accurately matches the scenario
presented to those providing their personal answers. But what do I know? I’m just a dumb fire-breathing robot!
Tapeworm: You know what? That is about the smartest thing anyone has
ever asked me in all my time as a villain!
No, really. I am not being
sarcastic or anything. I really wish
someone had posed this question to me years ago. And I’ll tell you why…
This exo-tail suit thing (I really never came up with a
technical term for it, sorry) is a marvel of technology. It is chock full of gyroscopic sensors and
auto-correcting mechanisms that turn an otherwise unwieldy length of
servomechanisms, solenoids, wires, pistons, nested gears, circuits, and
bushings into a marvel of controlled momentum.
When I don my Tapeworm suit I transform from an awkward and uncoordinated
loser into a combination of a titanic powerhouse and the most nimble ballet
phenom! Yet amid that perfection there
is an inevitable flaw.
You know how that port on the Death Star undermined the
integrity of the whole shooting match in Star
Wars? Little flaws can make a big
difference. In my case the Law of
Unintended Consequences comes into play in that I never thought to work out an
internal means for relieving myself.
While this suit is a pinnacle of modern mechanical engineering, it is not
a simple thing to extract oneself from at the end of the day, much less in
cases need like this one.
I really should research what NASA builds into their space
suits. I bet our astronauts don’t take a
hiatus from eating and drinking for half a day or more before they don their
spacesuits! I kid you not, the worst
part about putting this bad boy on for a day of robbing banks and fending off
crime-fighters is having to avoid food and drink for around 24 hours like I
have bloodwork in the morning or something!
I don’t think I’d fare very well in the situation you describe if I was
off my traditional regimen for suiting up as Tapeworm, let’s just leave it at
that.
Black Talon: You dare?!
Have you no idea whom you address?!
It is I, Black Talon! He who has
awakened the dead to walk upon the Earth anew!
He who has mesmerized chieftains, kings, and CEOs! He whom the very Abyss does fear! He who is so secure in himself that dares to
go about proudly in public in a ridiculous chicken costume! I am BLACK TALON! Fear me, o mortal!
But since you asked nicely and all, I’d just drop trou and
whiz off the edge of the path. It’s good
for the flowers, right?
