What Would Comic Book Villains Do? (WWCBVD?) Week 11

What lurks within the dark heart of evil?  What dastardly machinations drive the twisted mind of those who devote their every thought to all that is diabolical?  What causes a man (or woman) to walk such a dark path?  And what happens when the bellicose, the corruptible, the fiendish, and the unholy are asked to contemplate simple moral questions?  This final question can be answered through the auspices of this very feature of The JediCole Universe!  

Now join us as six of the most vile and despicable representatives of crime, corruption, and wanton destruction are presented with a puzzle into which they can really sink their teeth! 

Scenario:  You are at a gathering, be it a party, a work event, or just hanging out with friends, and pizzas have been ordered and eaten earlier.  While gathering up the empty boxes you see that one piece still remains.  It is cold and a bit dry for having been left out so long, but no less tempting for all of that.  Then you notice that someone else has also spotted this remaining slice and is eying it with equal desire to your own.  What do you do?

Big Sir:  Pizzahhhhh!  Pizzahhhhh!  Gimmie!  Gimmie!  Gimmiegimmiegimmie!  What?  No real pizza?  Awwwwwwww!

Viper/Madame Hydra:  This is a classic conundrum faced in any group dynamic where a quantity of delicious pizza has been consumed by all to the point where no one could possibly even consider, much less actually eat, another bite.  Inevitably the passage of time will leave two or more of the “power eaters” in the group to have managed to digest enough of their meal to start to feel unnecessary cravings and turn their attention to the question of any remaining pizza that could satisfy such hunger pangs.  

When you think this sort of thing through to such levels of detail as I do in all things then you cannot help but realize that nobody involved actually needs more pizza.  Everyone has certainly overeaten as it stands.  That is the way it always is when you get a group together and confront them with a stack of cardboard boxes housing pizzas topped with everything from just cheese (really?) to an endless variety of iterations of diced meats and vegetables – everyone eats far more than they really need.  Yet equally inevitably this leaves one solitary slice untouched that then becomes, simultaneously, the coveted target of a number of diners.  Why this should be the case is unfathomable, what is certain is that this last piece should be mine!

There is an advantage in casual situations, like my book group for example, to being one of the only “girls” in the mix.  Men will trip over themselves to surrender that final piece of pizza to a lady.  But such courtesy is as absent in the super-villain fraternity as are traits like honesty, compassion, and loyalty.  How often I ran into this very situation when we ordered out for pizza during my tenure with Hydra or those lost years I spent as part of the Serpent Society!  Let me tell you, trying to capture the Serpent Crown makes for a mean appetite and the end of the day!  And it’s not like we had a cook back at headquarters.  What do you think the Serpent Society is, “Emergency”?  So when it comes to that last slice, that much desired prize, I tend to trust my whip and various throwing knives to make it clear who’s claim on the pizza is the strongest, especially when you are up against the likes of Death Adder or Baron Strucker! 

Jimbo da Mighty Lobster:  I would just #&@%ing let some other mother-#&@%er have the #&@%ing thing.  I mean, how the #&@%  am I supposed to watch my #&@%ing weight if I #&@%ing go around eating so #&@%ing much #&@%ing carb-#&@%ing-heavy pizza?!   I’m #&@%ing out of here! 

Floronic Man:  Oh I would take it.  I would take all right!  I would cradle that slice of pizza to my chest and liberate it from the meat creatures that had created this poor abomination! 

What?  Oh, sorry about that, perhaps and explanation is in order.  Consider the constituent parts of the pizza.  Fields of grain were enslaved to be mercilessly mowed down and crushed to form the flour that is the basis of its crust!  Vast quantities of tomato plants surrendered their reproductive fruit to be wasted in a stew of what remained of their legacy, creating, along with leaves and seeds ripped from herbal plants, a savory sauce!  Other plants were similarly destroyed to allow for vivisected portions of pepper and onion (and sometimes pineapple fruit) to mingle with curdled milk and rendered animal flesh (also spiced with plant life) and subjected to outrageous levels of heat for the consumption of mankind.  Oh mankind, you evil curse upon the Green!  So you see now why I must spirit away this representation of the havoc you humans have wrought upon the Plant Kingdom over millennia, find a secluded patch of earth in which to inter this hideous creation, and leave it to give nourishment back to the surrounding vegetation rather than sustain the life of these creatures of the Red!

Either that or I may just use such sentiments as a pretense to find some out of the way place where I can eat the thing.  I was once human myself, after all!

Galactus:  You ask such a pointless question to the Devourer of Worlds?!  When I get a case of the munchies, entire civilizations perish in the process of me temporarily sating my appetite.  I have been around since the dawn of time!  I have consumed inestimable planets, many replete with sentient life.  I have supped of biospheres without number and you dare to stand in my presence and ask what action I would take if confronted with but a single slice of pizza amid a crowd of my peers? 

While I truly have no peers, being as I am the sole planet-hungry entity in the universe, I must admit that I have consumed a copious volume of pizza in my timeless existence.  I realize this seems a curious revelation.  After all, how could the entity that feeds upon the vastness of heavenly bodies possibly have enjoyed something as relatively insignificant as a pizza pie?  The answer is as simple as it is astonishing! 

You see, as in so many things you Earthlings imagine yourselves unique in the cosmos.  By way of example, the pizza, a foodstuff attributed in its origins to the lands known as Italy, is actually one of the most commonly occurring consumables galaxy-wide.  From the far flung worlds of the Badoon to the star-spanning Shi’ar Empire from the disputed quadrants held by the Kree and Skrulls to the oft-forgotten territories of the Dire Wraiths there can be found some variation on pizza.  Thin crust, buttery pan-baked, hand (or tentacle) tossed, and deep dish are all available in some form.  From pies baked in a savory edible clay pot to those with crusts stuffed to brimming with cheese, shellfish, or durable fruits, something akin to your terrestrial pizza can be found anywhere sentient life has mastered the culinary arts. 

As to why I have imparted this knowledge of the existence pizza and pizza-like dishes may seem perplexing at first, but there truly is logical reason behind my actions.  For you see, upon further reflection of your query it occurred to me that posing such to me was not so illogical after all.  Whenever I should happen to dine upon a world populated by civilizations of any degree of advancement, it is an inevitability that I ALWAYS get the last slice of pizza – ever!

Mirror Master:  Challenges of the type my therapist says I need to avoid.  I really wasted so much of my life trying to find ways to use mirrors and other reflective surfaces to commit crimes or just make the Flash’s life miserable.  I even started branching out into holograms and lasers down the line!  What a complete and total waste of my life.  Ever since I settled down, got a job refurbishing old smart phones, and started seeing a counselor my days are a lot more focused, if routine.  In fact I've lapsed into such a rut that it would probably do me good to take some of my co-workers up on offers to go out for a beer or go to their place to watch the big game.  Hell, I was even invited to a birthday party next weekend!  I should really go to that party and you know, I think I will.

Those kinds of parties usually have some kind of meal or snacks.  And knowing some of the folks I work with they are more the “order out” than “home cook” types, so there’s bound to be pizza there.  And the worst thing about ordering a bunch of pizzas is that there is never enough, especially of the ones with the best toppings.  Someone always over-orders the “Supreme” and never gets enough of something like sausage and mushroom.  That always leads to the kind of competition for the last slice you were asking about.  Luckily I always have some mirrors of my own creation at hand, even now days.  Yeah, I know, Dr. Michaels would say that is not a good idea, but I don’t carry near as many any more.  And I long ago sold off my old mirror guns to a crime museum in California.  Sometimes a common mirror comes in handy, right?  Or even an uncommon prismatic rotational projecting mirror.  So what if I have a pair of those with me at this party?  It just means some buffoon who goes after that last piece of sausage and mushroom gets a fist full of empty air while I am enjoying the coveted slice without looking like I even have the thing in my hand!  He can pick the onions off that leftover supreme if he’s so damn hungry!

Jimbo da Mighty Lobster:  Oh!  And if you see that #&@%er Savage Dragon, tell him I’m #&@%ing ready to kick his smug #&@%ing ass!


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