What Would Comic Book Villains Do? (WWCBVD?) Week 3

From the darkest corners of the pages of comic books come the villains!  The often deadly foils to the greatest heroes their four color world can offer.  We know they scheme.  We know they hate.  We know they destroy and kill and steal and maim.  But what do the do when confronted with simple moral dilemmas?  Let's ask a few, shall we?


Scenario: You see a co-worker stealing loose change out of other worker’s desks.  He does not know that he has been detected doing this.  You have become good friends with this co-worker outside of the workplace.  What do you do about what you have seen?

Sandman:  A co-worker?  Really?  I’m a super criminal!  I don’t have co-workers!  Okay, yeah, I guess you could call the other members of the Fearsome Five co-workers.  It is a bit of a stretch though.  It’s not like we all got hired by a big company and we are in the same work group or anything.  We just kind of get together to commit crimes and do battle with various super-heroes.  It’s not as organized as it looks, really.  If Green Goblin and Chameleon are working on a scheme and phone up Electro for advice, one thing leads to another and as soon as there are any five of the guys involved we carry out the plan as the Fearsome Five.  Have you never wondered why the roster of the group changes so often?!  I mean it makes sense for the Avengers.  They all have a common goal.  Villains are really more of the “every man for himself” mentality at the end of the day, so teaming up is not something that really works out on a regular basis.  Best just to just let the guy keep to his own devices and maybe hit him up later for some money for a candy bar or something.  It’s not like it’s coming out of his pocket, right?

The Riddler:  Oh how I do love puzzles, conundrums, and the like!  This one presents a most appealing scenario to me.  Anytime you see someone in the midst of petty larceny it is best to play upon any conscience they may have with little tricks that lead to ever crueler manipulation of your knowledge of their activities.  First you drop subtle hints by saying things like, “I think I will take my break at the QUARTER of the hour.”, or “I think I need to CHANGE a few things around the office.”  It is always fun to watch them pretend it does not bother them at all.  Then after that has softened the little thief up a bit start leaving notes that suggest that they are being watched.  Leave voice mails or anonymous emails sent from the public library computers to tell them they are being watched.  It is such sport to see people crack up under pressure!

Sebastian Shaw, Black King of the Hellfire Club: Where you may see a petty criminal I see an ideal recruit for the [Hellfire] Club’s private army.  Utilizing a series of hidden cameras we have long utilized office shenanigans to help pinpoint the type of malicious and shallow people that have proved ideal pawns…um…soldiers in our cause.  You really do need to find the right mentality if you want people to wear a peach-colored hockey mask, a navy and red jumpsuit, and be the first line of defense against Wolverine!

Sinestro:  I would confront him immediately, threatening to turn him over to the boss.  As he begs and pleads I will be secretly tapping his fear to power my yellow ring.  Sometimes you need a quick boost for the ring when the Power Battery is back at home and it is going to be one of those long nights at the office.  After I got a decent charge on the old ring I would let him off the hook, probably even help him look for more cash laying around.

Tiger Shark:  I’d kill him!  Rend that sucker limb from limb and feed his remains to a pod of killer whales!  If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s really wanting a Dr. Pepper and finding my loose change has been pilfered.  It’s not like you have time on your break to find someone to break a single for you.  And everyone knows that the bill acceptor that’s been broken for months will never get fixed!  Yeah, he is pretty much doomed if I catch him.

Solomon Grundy:  Solomon Grundy will handle like he handle all such problems!  ARRRRRRRRRGGHHH!!  Ahem!  Terribly sorry about that, needed to clear my throat there.  Firstly I would approach my coworker and advise him that rooting through other’s desks is morally reprehensible and terribly disrespectful of others.  His reaction to this gesture would color my next step in the process.  Should he appear embarrassed at his actions, admitting he was hoping to supplement what he had in his pocket by borrowing someone else’s change until the next day when he could replace it so he could get a candy bar to carry him through that lengthy report he has to finish then I would tell him to be sure to get that money replaced right away.  If he is belligerent or indifferent I would tell him that I am obliged to report his actions to our employer immediately.  You have to weigh the facts at hand in such situations.  Now if it was someone from the Justice Society or the Justice League, well that would be a different story indeed.  They really bother me!  They get under my skin and soon the rage is boiling in Grundy’s head and Grundy’s teeth begin to grind and Grundy’s fists clench and Grundy must destroy the Justice People!  ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!